No matter how many times you’ve gone back, you can safely move forward and permanently leave an abusive relationship.
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Intimate partner abuse is an extremely common health crisis that impacts people of all genders, races, and ages.
If you’ve recently been in an abusive relationship, trust that you’re not alone and it’s never your fault. You can break the cycle of abuse and leave your partner for good, but it requires extensive safety planning, support, and care.
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Signs of an abusive relationship
(Video) Why you CAN’T Leave an Abusive Relationship | TRAUMA BONDING (Stephanie Lyn Coaching)
Signs of an abusive relationship
“It’s not always easy to tell at the beginning of a relationship if a partner will become abusive, as possessive and controlling behaviors may emerge and intensify as a relationship grows,” says Laura’s House clinical director Theresa Black, MA, MFT, ATR.
But there are certain red flags and types of abuse to look out for. Your partner may be abusive if they:
- isolate you from friends and family
- constantly want to know where you are and what you’re doing
- assume control over your finances, plans, etc. without discussion
- rarely take responsibility or admit fault
- manipulate or gaslight you
- exhibit intense feelings and behavior, like obsession and possessiveness
- engage in physical, emotional, or sexual violence
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According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, it takes an average of seven attempts for a person to finally leave an abusive partner.
“Many times, leaving an abusive relationship is not only emotionally difficult but can also be life threatening,” says One Love’s CEO, Katie Hood.
An older 2000 report by the U.S. Department of Justice indicates that threat of separation (or actual separation) can be linked with an increased risk of violence for the survivor.
Some common reasons for staying in an abusive relationship include the following:
- You feel a sense of bonding with your partner through trauma.
- Your partner won’t let you leave (e.g. they’re controlling or threatening).
- You have safety concerns.
- You have nowhere to go.
- You lack finances or independence (e.g. shared bank accounts or no job).
- You lack knowledge around how to leave.
- You lack support.
- You have feelings of fear, shame, or embarrassment.
- You want to keep your family together for the sake of your children.
- You worry about how your partner may feel or react.
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If you’re unsure of how to leave an abusive relationship or worried that you may go back, here are some tips that could help.
Create a safety plan
Establishing safety is important. A safety plan can help you outline actionable steps to reduce risk of harm or danger during the breakup process. A safety plan may include:
- a person to contact for help or shelter
- important items to bring when leaving
- steps to protect children and pets
- steps to increase safety at work, school, church, and stores
- steps to navigate different potential scenarios with the partner
Hood notes that certain factors can make some abusive relationships more dangerous than others. “Every relationship and every situation is unique, as is every breakup, so it’s important to create a plan to end the relationship safely.”
If you need help getting out of an abusive relationship, Black recommends reaching out to your local domestic violence hotline and making a safety plan with an advocate.
“You have options, and there are several steps you can take to protect yourself (or a loved one) on your path to long-term safety,” she adds.
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Build a safety network
“To avoid going back to an abusive relationship, surround yourself with a support network of friends and loved ones who are in the loop on why you left,” says Hood.
She also suggests reconnecting with loved ones, friends, and people in your community, especially if you’ve been isolated from them during your relationship.
Remember why you left
“It’s perfectly normal to miss an abusive partner, but that doesn’t mean that it’s right to be with them,” says Hood. “Rather, it means that there was some good in the relationship, but the bad outweighs the good because everyone deserves a healthy, safe, empowering and joyful relationship.”
She recommends writing yourself a note about why you chose to leave the relationship and why you feel it’s important to not go back. Whenever you start to miss them, look back at it as a friendly reminder of why the relationship is unhealthy and reconnection isn’t the best (or safest) idea.
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Put yourself first
It’s common to think about how your partner might feel if/when you leave, especially if they’re emotionally abusive. But your feelings matter, too, and it’s important to prioritize your own well-being.
“Remember that leaving an unhealthy relationship is not ‘quitting.’ Rather, it’s a positive decision of choosing a healthier life,” adds Hood. “Bravo for making a hard, but right, choice for yourself.”
“It’s important you focus on your own growth and processing,” says Black, who recommends practicing self-care during this time. “Give yourself kindness and time to heal.”
Trust your gut
Hood reminds you to always trust your gut, because “if something feels off about your relationship or dating situation, it probably is.”
After all, you know your situation better than anyone else. Listen to your intuition and trust your own judgment on the safest time to leave. “You have the strength to leave, but only when you’re ready,” adds Black.
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Work toward becoming independent
Research is limited, but the
Especially if you used to rely on your partner for shelter and finances, finding a safe space to live and a job can jumpstart your path to independence. “Establish financial independence, including your own source of income, savings, and credit,” says Hood.
This may improve your chances of staying away from your partner.
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Several resources are available to support you when leaving an abusive relationship.
Hotlines
“Reach out to your local domestic violence hotline, the National Domestic Violence Hotline, or [call] 211 to get connected to more information about domestic violence as well as gaining assistance in creating a safety plan,” says Black.
She also recommends asking hotline advocates about:
- case management
- therapy
- legal advocacy
- other helpful resources
“Case management services can provide you with resources to help you gain independence, such as housing, employment, financial literacy, etc.,” Black adds.
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Support groups and organizations
Getting involved in support groups, joining organizations, and connecting with other survivors can offer you comfort and support during this time.
“Many people who find and become involved in One Love because of an unhealthy or abusive relationship report a sense of relief in seeing their situations depicted in our content, strength in educating others, or support in joining our community of volunteers, student leaders, educators, advocates, and staff,” says Hood.
Laura’s House also provides shelter, support services, and non-residential direct services to people affected by abuse in the Southern California area. You can visit www.laurashouse.org or call 866-498-1511 to learn more.
“Legal advocates can also provide education and support in terms of restraining orders and possibly provide legal referrals,” adds Black.
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Therapy
Keep in mind that couples counseling doesn’t work in abusive relationships. But individual therapy can help you strengthen your relationships, set boundaries, and better understand the dynamics of domestic violence, says Black.
A mental health professional can also teach you coping strategies and tips for building healthier relationships.
“It’s important to educate yourself about the common patterns of abuse and the types of abusive behaviors you may have experienced in order to break the cycle of violence,” she says. “Knowledge is power.”
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It’s possible for you to leave an abusive relationship for good. Every situation requires different planning, but creating a safety plan, establishing a support network, prioritizing self-care, and becoming independent can help.
“No one ever deserves to experience abuse, and there are many resources available that can help you heal,” reminds Black. Joining support groups, getting involved in organizations, leaning on your loved ones, and starting therapy are great places to start.
“You’re never alone, and your relationship is not a reflection of who you are, your strength, or your worth,” adds Hood.
Remember that you’re worthy and deserving of a love that feels good. You can build happier, healthier relationships if and when you’re ready. In the meantime, focus on your safety and well-being.
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FAQs
How do I let go of my abusive past? ›
- Familiarize Yourself with What Constitutes Emotional Abuse. ...
- Recognize the Qualities of a Healthy Relationship. ...
- Know That It Is Not Okay. ...
- Understand That Abuse Is a Cycle. ...
- Reach Out to Family and Friends. ...
- Seek the Guidance of a Professional. ...
- Stand Up for Yourself.
- Make yourself solely responsible for your own well-being and happiness. ...
- Accept that you can't fix, change, rescue, save, make someone else happy or love someone enough to make them be nice to you. ...
- Eliminate the hooks of your abuser. ...
- Learn to control your body language.
Under no circumstances should a person who has been abused be compelled to reconcile with an abuser. If an offender tries to make amends, it is the survivor's choice to offer forgiveness.
What is it called when you cant leave an abuser? ›Stockholm syndrome is a coping mechanism to a captive or abusive situation. People develop positive feelings toward their captors or abusers over time. This condition applies to situations including child abuse, coach-athlete abuse, relationship abuse and sex trafficking.
What does years of abuse do to you? ›Emotional and psychological abuse can have severe short- and long-term effects. This type of abuse can affect both your physical and your mental health. You may experience feelings of confusion, anxiety, shame, guilt, frequent crying, over-compliance, powerlessness, and more.
What are the 5 signs of emotional abuse? ›- They are Hyper-Critical or Judgmental Towards You. ...
- They Ignore Boundaries or Invade Your Privacy. ...
- They are Possessive and/or Controlling. ...
- They are Manipulative. ...
- They Often Dismiss You and Your Feelings.
Leaving can be dangerous: Many people experiencing intimate partner violence realistically fear that their abusive partners' actions will become more violent and even lethal if they attempt to leave. The abuser may have threatened to kill them or hurt their child, family member or pet if they leave.
How do you detach from a toxic relationship? ›- Try to avoid sexual contact. Try to stop all sexual contact with the person you're leaving. ...
- Try to stay away from alcohol or drugs. ...
- Consider joining a support group. ...
- Consider asking for help.
Practice mindfulness
Learn how to detach emotionally from someone by doing meditation, yoga, or practicing gratitude. Practicing meditation will not only help you with the current phase but will also help you sort things out in the future. Spend some time understanding how to meditate or learn to rehearse yoga daily.
Survivors may return to an abuser for multiple, complicated reasons and, according to a survey of 844 survivors by DomesticShelters.org, will leave and come back 6.3 times on average before leaving for good.
How many times does the average person go back to their abuser? ›
Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy – and it isn't always the safest option. In fact, survivors of abuse return to their abusive partners an average of seven times before they leave for good.
Can someone hit you and still love you? ›It's not uncommon to still experience loving feelings for someone who may act abusively toward you. There's nothing you've done or didn't do that justifies abuse. And an abusive partner may need professional support that is way beyond your love and care if they're going to change.
Why do I stay in a toxic relationship? ›A lot of people in abusive relationships stay in them because they love their partner and think that things will change. They might also believe their partner's behavior is due to tough times or feel as though they can change their partner if they are a better partner themselves.
How many times does it take to leave a toxic relationship? ›In abusive relationships, victims make an average of seven attempts to end the relationship before they do, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Why narcissists and abusers won't let go? ›Their impetus is pragmatic and their own dependency. They need their “narcissistic supply.” Their fragile ego needs constant reassurance and attention to avoid feeling their inner emptiness—like a vampire that sucks its victims' blood, and they need many.
What age gets abused the most? ›About 4 million cases of child abuse and neglect involving almost 7 million children are reported each year. The highest rate of child abuse is in babies less than one year of age, and 25 percent of victims are younger than age three.
Does being abused change your personality? ›Traumatic childhood events can change the way a person's brain and body work. Trauma can affect the person's emotions, memory, thinking and sense of self. Trauma can also affect relationships. Women most often develop the effects of trauma if, as children, they felt helpless and trapped by abuse.
What age is most abused? ›79.4% were under the age of 4 and 47.7% were under the age of 1. Boys (48.5%) and girls (51.2%) become victims at nearly the same rate. 3.6 million cases of child abuse are reported every year in the U.S. Abused and neglected children are 11 times more likely to engage in criminal behavior as an adult.
What are signs of narcissistic abuse? ›- Signs of narcissistic abuse include:
- Love-bombing. It's not unusual for people with NPD to shower you with compliments and affection. ...
- Gaslighting. ...
- Ignoring boundaries. ...
- Projecting. ...
- Nitpicking. ...
- Some common examples of narcissistic abuse include: ...
- Anxiety and depression.
- Jealousy and Possessiveness. Wants to be with you constantly. ...
- Controlling Behavior. ...
- Quick Involvement. ...
- Unrealistic Expectations. ...
- Isolation. ...
- Blames Others for Problems. ...
- Blames Others for Feelings. ...
- Hypersensitivity.
What qualifies as narcissistic abuse? ›
Narcissistic abuse refers to the emotional, physical, sexual, or financial forms of abuse that a narcissist inflicts on others. This abuse can range from mild putdowns to severe, life-threatening violence. If you're in a relationship with a narcissist, you may frequently feel angry, confused, or alone.
What does a woman need to do to prepare to leave the abuser? ›- Understand Your Financial Standing. This is especially important if you are married to your abuser. ...
- Collect Important Documents. ...
- Start Saving Money. ...
- Change Your Passwords. ...
- Reach Out to Loved Ones. ...
- Contact Advocates.
- Stop the secret self-blame. ...
- Start reality training. ...
- Ask good questions. ...
- Shift perspective. ...
- Start a long put-off project with all of your might. ...
- Put your focus on feeling. ...
- Stop the games. ...
- Tap into something bigger than you.
Abuse is never justified, however, it is possible to forgive your abuser if you wish to do so. Forgiving an abuser can be a very difficult and long process however it can be beneficial for the victims emotional healing process.
How do you not go back to a toxic relationship? ›- Feel Your Emotions. ...
- Try Not to Contact Your Old Partner to “Check In” ...
- Don't Expect Closure. ...
- Maintain a Strong Support System with Positive People. ...
- Don't be Afraid to Admit What You've Been Through. ...
- Re-Discover Your True Self. ...
- Practice Self-Care. ...
- Practice Self-Kindness.
People who are in an unhealthy relationship frequently attempt to end it. But they don't in the end. It occurs because some people have low self-esteem and, due to that, they believe they have no control over relationships and situations. As a result, people choose to stay rather than leave.
What do you say to end a relationship? ›- Tell your BF or GF that you want to talk about something important.
- Start by mentioning something you like or value about the other person. ...
- Say what's not working (your reason for the break-up). ...
- Say you want to break up. ...
- Say you're sorry if this hurts. ...
- Say something kind or positive.
- Recognize when it's time. Learning when it's time to let go is often the most difficult part of this process. ...
- Identify limiting beliefs. ...
- Change your story. ...
- Stop the blame game. ...
- Embrace the “F” word. ...
- Master your emotions. ...
- Adopt an attitude of gratitude. ...
- Talk to someone you trust.
- Stop all communication – take a break from social media, do not answer your phone or text messages from the narcissist. ...
- Have a plan – know when you are going to leave and where you are going to go. ...
- Find support – work with a therapist or counselor experienced in supporting people leaving narcissists.
- Your needs aren't being met.
- You're seeking those needs from others.
- You're scared to ask for more from your partner.
- Your friends and family don't support your relationship.
- You feel obligated to stay with your partner.
What is the cycle of an abuser? ›
The cycle of abuse often goes through four main stages: tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm. Abusive behaviors may escalate from cycle to cycle, although this isn't always the case.
Why do victims often become abusers? ›A history of childhood sexual abuse is one risk factor. Other factors include having a substance use disorder or having another mental health condition. Lack of social support and socioeconomic stress also play a role.
What turns a person into an abuser? ›Abusive people believe they have the right to control and restrict their partner's lives, often either because they believe their own feelings and needs should be the priority in the relationship, or because they enjoy exerting the power that such abuse gives them.
What does long term abuse do to the brain? ›Emotional abuse is linked to thinning of certain areas of the brain that help you manage emotions and be self-aware — especially the prefrontal cortex and temporal lobe. Epigenetic changes and depression. Research from 2018 has connected childhood abuse to epigenetic brain changes that may cause depression.
How long does reactive abuse last? ›Reactive abuse can last indefinitely—if it continues to give them power, perpetrators of abuse will continue to wield it. As long as it gets them what they want, perpetrators of abuse can use reactive abuse for months, even years.
What type of abuse happens the most? ›Neglect is the most common form of child abuse.
Can you ever stop loving someone who hurt you? ›You may always carry those feelings with you in some form. Love doesn't always go away just because we want it to. But even if you can't entirely stop loving someone who doesn't love you or who's caused you harm, you can manage those feelings in positive, healthy ways so they don't continue to cause you pain.
Is punching walls a red flag? ›Wall punching can be a pretty big red flag even if they don't show other signs of physical aggression. Maybe you truly believe they'd never hurt you, but abuse involves more than just violence.
Why would you still love someone who hurt you? ›Humans tend to go for comfort. We are attracted to things that we know. When somebody hurts you, you've been allowing yourself to think that nobody else out there will like you. That said person who hurt you are the only one who could put up with you.
Can a toxic relationship stop being toxic? ›Yes, toxic relationships can change. But that comes with a very big if. A toxic relationship can change if and only if both partners are equally committed to overcoming it with lots of open communication, honesty, self-reflection, and possibly professional help, individually and together.
Can a toxic relationship ruin your life? ›
A toxic relationship takes a huge hit on your self-esteem. If your partner is horrible to you or insists on betraying you whenever they can, the result will be a lack of self-esteem. It's not going to bode well with other areas of your life. You will start to doubt yourself as a person, friend, or coworker.
What is Breadcrumbing? ›Breadcrumbing is the act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal social signals (i.e. "breadcrumbs") in order to lure a romantic partner in without expending much effort. In other words, it's leading someone on.
How do you let go of a relationship when you don't want to? ›- Recognize the Problem.
- Allow Yourself to Feel.
- Discover the Lesson.
- Create Separation.
- Let Go of the Mementos.
- Take Off Your Love Goggles.
- Compose a Letter to Your Ex.
- Focus On Empowering Yourself.
- Be certain you want to end the relationship. Don't threaten to leave in an effort to get your partner to change. ...
- Don't kill the relationship before you end it. ...
- If you have to walk away, start with forgiveness.
Although they can be targeted, type A people can also become a narcissist's worst nightmare. One of the most important defenses against dark personalities is having strong boundaries yourself, and type A people are usually aware they have the right to build them.
What to say to a narcissist to shut them down permanently? ›- “I don't agree with you, but you have a right to have your opinion. ...
- “You are certainly entitled to your opinion. ...
- “We can agree to disagree.”
- “We will work on this together.”
- “Let me ask your advice on this. ...
- “I hear what you're saying.”
- “I'm sorry you feel that way.”
- 'I know the truth about you' or 'I see right through you' ...
- 'I don't remember that' ...
- 'I'm busy and don't have time for you right now' ...
- 'You are a failure' or 'I am so disappointed in you' ...
- 'It's your fault' ...
- 'I Don't Believe You' ...
- 'Goodbye'
- Surviving a Traumatic Experience. 1/15. ...
- Don't Isolate Yourself. 2/15. ...
- Seek Professional Help. 3/15. ...
- Join a Support Group. 4/15. ...
- Face It (Don't Avoid It) 5/15. ...
- Exercise. 6/15. ...
- 7/15.
- Listen to Your Body. 8/15.
- Tell yourself, “I am having a flashback.”
- Remind yourself that you are safe in the present day and that the danger you're feeling is based on a situation that is no longer happening. ...
- Remember that you can leave your current situation if you want or need to.
There is no timeline on a recovery; every journey is different. It could take you 2 months, 2 years, or 20 years to recover. There are some severe relationships that have such serious effects that survivors may never recover, but psychological help can assist in easing the pain and speed up the recovery process.
What are the signs of past abuse? ›
- emotional difficulties like anger, anxiety, sadness or low self-esteem.
- mental health problems like depression, eating disorders, self harm or suicidal thoughts.
- problems with drugs or alcohol.
- disturbing thoughts, emotions and memories.
- poor physical health.
- Create a positive mantra to counter the painful thoughts. ...
- Create physical distance. ...
- Do your own work. ...
- Practice mindfulness. ...
- Be gentle with yourself. ...
- Allow the negative emotions to flow. ...
- Accept that the other person may not apologize. ...
- Engage in self-care.
Some may have a fight-or-flight type of response, which may include muscle tension, heart pounding and sweating because their body "believes it needs to activate," she explains. Others maybe experience a freeze response, which can look like someone who struggles to move or get out of bed.
How do I know if I am traumatized? ›Intrusive memories
Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event. Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks) Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event. Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event.
PTSD is a reaction to psychological trauma which develops in response to actual or threatened extreme danger or personal injury. PTSD can originate from a variety of forms of abuse, ranging from physical abuse to sexual abuse to emotional abuse.
What does a complex PTSD episode look like? ›Symptoms of complex PTSD
avoiding situations that remind a person of the trauma. dizziness or nausea when remembering the trauma. hyperarousal, which means being in a continual state of high alert. the belief that the world is a dangerous place.
- Being nervous.
- Developing an eating disorder (ED)
- Impulsive behavior.
- Reliving past traumas.
- Having nightmares or flashbacks.
- Feeling negative.
- Emotional issues.
- Having insomnia.
Emotional abuse is linked to thinning of certain areas of the brain that help you manage emotions and be self-aware — especially the prefrontal cortex and temporal lobe. Epigenetic changes and depression. Research from 2018 has connected childhood abuse to epigenetic brain changes that may cause depression.
How long does narcissistic abuse last? ›Be Patient. Recovering from narcissistic abuse takes time, so you will have to remain patient. This process could take months or even years, but it's worth all of the hard work and effort. You can and will move on to find healthier and happier connections with others.
Does abuse damage the brain? ›Researchers focus on the changes that take place in the brain as a result of abuse as well. Sadly, adults who experienced severe abuse as children show critically impaired neural connections in the brain. Parts of the brain associated with the regulation of attention, emotion, and other cognitive processes suffer.
What are the 7 signs of emotional abuse? ›
- Gaslighting. ...
- Isolating you from loved ones. ...
- Using insulting language. ...
- Yelling. ...
- Shifting the blame. ...
- Acting extremely jealous. ...
- Outbursts of unpredictable anger.
Several medical conditions have been reported to mimic the physical manifestations of child abuse and neglect (CAN). These conditions include genetic, congenital, and other disorders that may result in poor weight gain, bone fracture, or skin lesions that appear to be bruises or burns.