Q&A As the Betrayed, How Do I Stop Obsessing About the Affair Partner? | Affair Recovery (2023)

FAQs

How do I stop obsessing over my affair partner? ›

When both spouses are in a calmer place, feelings have been recognized and understood, amends made and an honest and sincere apology made and accepted, couples are ready to stop the conversation about the affair.

Ambivalence can also be defined as 'being of two minds. ' Or in a general sense, “I want to, but I don't want to.” In recovery, ambivalence can be a very common denominator for the unfaithful. It's not always there, but when it is it's altogether excruciating for the betrayed.

Adhering to the No Contact rule, after an affair, is so critical for your healing, and for your husband & marriage to heal. Because the truth is, affair recovery is NOT possible, without strictly following a No Contact Plan.

Obsessing about an affair and asking questions about the details of the affair potentially enables a new boundary to be constructed. When even small truths are revealed, the obsessing provides a pathway to work through and understand the story of the affair.

The pain of betrayal is an open wound. You can help your spouse heal by acknowledging their pain, apologizing for your betrayal, and reassuring him or her that you are committed to healing the marriage. This is salve on the wound - apply it liberally.

Long-term affairs are those that last at least more than a year. Maintaining an affair for even a couple of weeks can be daunting; the emotional stress, the fear of getting caught, and guilt can usually end affairs. However, long-term affairs do happen. This is especially common when both people involved are married.

Limerence is an intense form of romantic love characterized by an emotional attachment or even an obsession with another person, which usually is involuntary, and which contains a strong desire for the reciprocation of those feelings.

What is hysterical bonding after an affair? ›

The deep desire to win back one's partner's affections post infidelity is called hysterical bonding. This is most commonly with respect to the infidelity of a sexual nature. So, the one who has been betrayed sexually by their beloved indulges in sexual experimentation with their partner.

You may be mad that they won't make a decision, that they won't make a commitment. But remember, the infidelity recovery timeline can be 18 to 24 months — or even longer. They may not know what they want right now. They may need more time to experience a major sense of clarity.

Grief is a Normal Process

Michele advises that feeling positive feelings toward your former affair partner is a quite common reaction, even if it's been quite some time since the affair ended. But feeling grief does not mean that you should act on these feelings.

I love my family deeply and I will no longer do anything to risk their happiness. I will not be contacting you further and I ask that you do the same. I do not want to see you or hear from you. Please respect my decision to end our relationship and have no further communication.

The “safe” advice most all-purpose therapists typically offer is that confrontation is a bad idea. Confronting your husband's affair partner indeed confirms their significance, and in many cases, that could be a strategic error from the get-go.

Infidelity can have lasting impacts on partners and children the couple may have. Grief, brain changes, behaviors down the road, and mental health conditions such as anxiety, chronic stress, and depression can result. Some families have been able to move past infidelity with time and therapy.

Discovering that a partner's been unfaithful is a traumatic event that shatters all the basic assumptions of commitment, love, and honesty. Understanding the story of what happened is an essential part of the recovery from that trauma.

It's absolutely possible to heal from infidelity. Although the pain and grief can be intense, it's also possible to work on the relationship so that you and your partner are able to move on.

What emotions do you have after betrayal? ›

Betrayal Trauma is unique in that it involves the intense feelings of shame associated with the act of being abused or violated. Therefore if you have experienced betrayal trauma you may suffer from: Shame, guilt and self-blame. Depression.

The effects of betrayal include shock, loss and grief, morbid pre-occupation, damaged self-esteem, self-doubting, anger. Not infrequently they produce life-altering changes. The effects of a catastrophic betrayal are most relevant for anxiety disorders, and OC D and PTSD in particular.

An affair is an act of infidelity within a committed romantic relationship. It's most commonly considered a type of cheating that involves intense, passionate emotional or physical attachment. Rarely is the term "affair" applied to a one-time event.

Men Need Love and Affection

In plain language: Men often feel most loved by the women in their lives when their partners hug them, kiss them, smile at them, and explicitly offer gratitude, praise, and words of affection. Men also feel loved and connected through sexuality, often to a greater degree than women do.

There is no way to reverse time and remove the hurt caused by an affair, especially one that has gone on for several months or years. However, you should seek forgiveness. By accepting what happened and finding forgiveness, you free yourself from the chains of trauma.

There is no set time for affair recovery.

However, there can be a period of healing. During this time, you and your spouse will take specific steps towards healing. Even better, this period is not even that long. Most of it can take anywhere between 8-10 weeks.

First, affairs are often a replication waiting to happen. And second, affairs are often forged with the same magnetic power that a marriage is, often rendering the affair as hard to break as a marriage. Thus, ending an affair, especially if it is long-term, may resemble a divorce.

How long does infatuation last in an affair? ›

“Usually, infatuation lasts for between 18 months and three years,” says Mundin. “Unless a long-distance relationship is involved or an extremely insecure individual is fascinated, infatuation rarely lasts longer.” The remnants of infatuation may help strengthen a relationship, however, according to Lee.

9 Reason Why We Want What We Cannot Have Include:

It will satisfy our ego. We struggle with low self-esteem. We are attracted to the unknown or unpredictability of the other person. We want to fulfill a fantasy.

Anyone can experience limerence. However, those who have encountered trauma or certain developmental issues, specifically in childhood, may especially be prone to this state of infatuation. On the other hand, those who are simply exhausted or drained from a lack of sleep or stimulation may also experience limerence.

Dr. Carnes writes that in many cases of PTSD, infidelity causes new, distorted bonds to form between spouses. He calls these “trauma bonds” or “betrayal bonds.” Trauma bonds look different in every relationship.

We often encourage couples to take a 90-day break from having sex in order to reestablish an emotional connection first. After disclosure of an affair or sexual addiction, one of the most critical things for partners to experience is empathy.

Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful

Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies. They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It's about both words and actions.

Yes, they do. Or they wouldn't be in a long-term relationship with their mistresses. Some men have mistresses for years, and it's not because they want just sex, they have true and lasting feelings for their lovers and feelings are difficult to shut off.

What makes a man miss you more than usual? ›

Take your time replying to those frequent calls or texts by your man. You can even avoid his calls for some time to make him wonder what you're up to, especially if you've been bothered by him. To even spice things up, you can add that you were with another guy friend, which is enough to make him go crazy about you.

Among men, 68% feel guilty after having an affair. Even if they haven't confessed the affair, most cheating husbands will feel guilty and express that guilt in their behavior. You may notice subtle changes in their behavior that make you wonder if your spouse is displaying cheating husband guilt.

Psychologist Dr. Elyssa H. Barbash tells Romper that despite many individuals' initial reaction, it is very normal and healthy to fantasize about others, even when you are married or in a committed relationship.

First, affairs are often a replication waiting to happen. And second, affairs are often forged with the same magnetic power that a marriage is, often rendering the affair as hard to break as a marriage. Thus, ending an affair, especially if it is long-term, may resemble a divorce.

Infidelity can have lasting impacts on partners and children the couple may have. Grief, brain changes, behaviors down the road, and mental health conditions such as anxiety, chronic stress, and depression can result.